this christmas

The holidays that occur in the wintertime give us a chance to reflect on what we have lost, what we still have, and what we hope to have at the birth of a new year. Christmas is a time filled with remembrances and deep nostalgia. The loss of someone hits especially hard during this time in which we long for home and for yesteryear. Loneliness is manifest during this holiday that celebrates gathering together. The first Christmas without her has come and gone and I couldn't have gotten through the holidays without my family. The loneliness and the sadness ebbs in the company of loved ones and I am extremely grateful for those who are still here, those who share my own pain, and those who have provided me with some semblance of healing.

I went to the cemetery twice with some family members, once on Christmas Eve and once on Christmas Day. Her headstone has yet to arrive and even though it's been a few months,the longer we wait, the more I anticipate its beauty; a reflection of the woman who it commemorates and celebrates. Everyday, there's something new on her grave: a bright bouquet of yellow and orange, a Christmas tree that sparkles with shiny ornaments. I talk to her and tell her things, though most of them are silent for fear of tears that won't stop shedding if I voice them aloud. I know she recognizes me. I feel her, hear her voice inside my head telling me to be a good girl, telling me to keep praying. Even though she's not here, when I'm feeling lost or sad, I take comfort in knowing I am surrounded by her presence. She still keeps me grounded. She still makes me feel her love.

It hurts sometimes to be around my grandpa. He's silent and strong in his loss, but his suffering is real and it's there. It's in that gentle squeeze of the hand that's familiar and comforting. It's in his warm, sleepy smiles that tell you he's still here, he misses her, but he will be strong for her and for you. I love him so, so much and I know my grandma did too even though she was always so frustrated with him. She worried about him a lot. I remember she was disheartened at the thought of leaving him behind. What about Choy? she would say. Grandpa is simply surviving. If he appears lazy and sluggish it's because of a heavy heart. And really now, who could blame him? The woman he's known all of his life, gone. Who will tell me what to do now? he said the day after she past. Why are we here? I think he's just waiting. He reconciles with his old age and now he's living until he gets to see her again. He's lucky too, because he will get to see her sooner, even though it pains me to even think about his absence as well. They won't be separated for too long.

I'll leave you with another little excerpt from my eulogy, as well as some Christmas photos:

Grandma and grandpa are the heart of our family, and grandma will continue to be the heart of our family even though her own heart has stopped beating. We feel her love and are surrounded by her presence and we will cherish that until our own hearts stop beating. I look around the room and I see her love etched in the tears we shed for her, the kind words we share about her, and the color that stains our cheeks, her blood flowing in us. It is through her love that we have been given life.

Grandpa arriving for Christmas Eve festivities

Grandpa surrounded by some of his grandkids and great grandkids

Grandpa and his five daughters

Visiting grandma on Christmas Day